Friday was one of the worst days – for me.
I know that Bo was confused by my behavior because I was so stressed and I couldn’t hide it.
From the time he came downstairs, he was anxious and confused. Absolutely nothing I said to him stayed with him. I repeated things (everything) time after time after time.
He couldn’t get past the idea that he had “someplace to go” or some appointment (which he didn’t.) He said that maybe he had opened some letter? Maybe he had a phone call? I reassured him many times that there was no place he had to go, that I keep a detailed calendar.
After lunch he insisted on picking up (by hand) all of the leaves. If you know our yard, you know that we are surrounded by big trees with leaves that are now floating down continuously. The yard needed to be mowed, but the leaves had to come up first.
But then he asked the question that caught me off guard. “Where do they come from? I never saw them before.” A shock went through me as I realized I actually had to explain autumn. He had forgotten.
“They come from that big oak tree and all the other trees in our yard. See all the leaves? In the summer they are green and in the fall they change color and then they fall from the trees.”
“I don’t remember that happening before.”
I got out the leaf blower, but that didn’t do the job. Then I got a large rake but I could see that he didn’t want to use it, so I ended up raking the yard myself. When I asked him to pick up the piles of leaves so we could get on the with mowing, he was distracted and began picking leaves from the bushes. I was so irritated and frustrated – I ended up putting most of the leaves into the trash cans myself.
By now I was feeling rushed because I had an appointment at 5 and the lawn needed to be mowed before I left. I needed to oversee the job. Plus, rain was in the forecast.
Then it happened. The lawn mower wouldn’t start. I went inside to call a service man and when I returned to the garage, Bo had the snow blower in the driveway considering how to start it.
“Honey, that’s not a lawn mower.”
“What is it?” he asked.
“The snow blower. It’s for winter,” I explained. Then I asked him to put it back where he found it and, as always, he very obediently did what I requested.
I came into the house and about a half hour later looked out the front window to see Bo “mowing” the front lawn with the weed whacker. He did a very good job, actually.
Throughout the day, I was losing patience, my temper. I know my voice and actions showed how frustrated I was, but Bo never indicated that he even noticed. I asked myself if he wondered why I acted the way I did. Worst of all, I sometimes stop myself and think, “What if this is the last memory he has of me – irritated and mean?”